Let me share my best tips from my own experience of losing a loved one.
Some tips that will give you some reassurance and hope help you to navigate your minefield of emotions and find a way forward.
It hurts like crazy, right, and nobody else really gets it unless they’ve been in the same boat. Well, I have, and I am going through it. It’s not a thing that you get over as such; it’s how you learn to live with it and find purpose and joy again.
Right now, you might be traumatised with grief and can see no tomorrow. You might be in shock, angry, despairing, feeling hopeless. Sometimes it’s just a massive tangle of emotions, and you’re all over the place. It’s not just emotional pain but can feel like physical pain.
Grief has been described as many things.
A roller coaster, a storm, a tsunami, a living hell even. It’s any and all of those things, and you might feel ok one minute and swamped or paralysed with grief and tears the next. Well, that’s how I describe my experience and that of friends and others I know who are also part of this “exclusive club”.
Be reassured that how you are experiencing grief is usually pretty typical. It’s your journey, not one you’d wish on anyone, but fate has landed you in it.
Different strategies work for different people, and sometimes we need to find new tools to navigate our way. It’s truly hit and miss. I decided early on that I would keep notes on things that work best for me so that I could dig the list out when I was having a bad day and also so I could share them one day when I was strong enough to get back into coaching and counselling again.
So I want to share with you a few of my top tips that helped me through those dark days and continue to help me when the storm hits again.
1. Be kind to yourself
Grief is exhausting for a LONG time, and I think we tend to underestimate just how exhausting it is. On top of the grief, you are adjusting to life without your loved one, possibly taking over all the household chores on your own if it’s a spouse you have lost. Take your time, lower your expectations of yourself (hugely!) and make lists and sensible timeframes. Ask for help with things and accept offers of help.
2. Learn to just BE.
This has been huge for me. Stop trying to take control of your life and create the new you.
Don’t rush. You can’t short circuit grief. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Own your grief and be with it. It will take time, maybe years, to shape up your new life without that loved one. Let things unfold in their own time.
Don’t think you have to make decisions if they don’t need to be made yet, especially big decisions. You’re better off taking time to exercise, spoil yourself, focus on your wellbeing, connect with people who help and support you, including professional support, get regular massages, meditate and use mindfulness.
It is a time for serious spoiling. Your body and mind have been in a state of shock and need time and help to physically learn to relax again and come out of that ‘fight or flight’ state that it’s probably been in for a long time. Your health will thank you for it.
3. Don’t do things that re-traumatise you.
For example, there were times I would go through photos, the funeral video, re-live the last stages of my husband’s illness, and this would only bury me in grief. It serves no useful purpose at that time. Leave memory lane alone when it hurts too much.
You will know when you’re more able to re-visit those things. Don’t let others take you down memory lane if you know it’s going to be too hard, either.
4. Tell yourself what you're grateful for
Finally, every single day, no matter how low you are feeling or even on days when you are feeling ok, tell the universe, your family, yourself what you are grateful for.
There is always something, so make a habit of doing this – no matter what. Write these things down if you’re a visual person.
Draw, create symbols to represent those great things in your life. Place them around the house so you can see them often during your day, somewhere meaningful for you.
Sometimes that alone can help get you out of that deluge of grief or the downward spiral and give you a glimmer of light as you start to navigate your way forward.
There's always hope
There is always hope, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Just have faith in yourself and the journey. Life can and will get better.
Know when you are stuck, or even worse, spiralling downwards, that it is ok to reach out. I personally found counselling amazing to untangle and process my journey.
Grief is ongoing, and so often, we need more tools, more ideas, to help us along the way. You’re going through one of the toughest experiences that life can throw at you; you are worth it.
If it's time to talk about moving through grief and loss towards hope and confidence again, let's talk.
How I can help you move through times of grief, loss or change