It's only a short time since someone you loved dearly passed away, and you feel traumatised and in shock. You may have nursed someone through an illness and said your goodbyes, but it just hasn't prepared you for reality at all.
Maybe you've lost a child or your spouse, or another close friend or relative. The funeral has been, visitors gone, and here you are. You may be alone in your house, or you may have family you live with, but it's like a chasm exists between you and them.
Your pain is all-consuming, and you can feel nothing else. If you live on your own, this loud empty silence all around you seems to be taunting you. Over and over in your head, the silence is raging: "This is how it is going to be from now on". Just you and these four walls.
Anyone going through these early days, weeks and months of grief will relate to this and more.
Suddenly your world has changed forever.
It is normal to feel this way, and no one can take your pain away. It is yours.
Grief and loss are the flipsides of the love of someone special to you.
Know that you won't feel like this forever, even though you may not be able to see that yet.
I have learnt many tools and tips along the way and want to share a few of them here, as they may help you too.
It's a bit of trial and error as you get to know your grief, so try different things to see what helps you. Everyone's life is different, with different responsibilities, so you need to be mindful of that too as you juggle your grief.
For example, if you're working, this will give you focus, which can be a good thing. But grief doesn't go away just because you're busy, so allow for that and promise yourself time to be with your grief each day or as you need to. Try not to go back to work too soon, though, if you can. Those early days of grief are essential.
They don't dissolve or disappear if you bottle up emotions and deny them. Your grief will still pop up when it needs to and command you to take notice.
You'll already have some great tools in your kit.
These will serve you well. And other tools you learn over time will too. Remember also that different things work at different times. That's ok. Each day is a new day.
The golden rule of navigating grief
The most significant golden rule is to be kind and gentle with yourself. Grief knocks you around physically, mentally and emotionally and is exhausting. So you may need to lighten your load if you can so you don't crash or burn out as you slowly process your grief and adjust.
Small steps
Aim to achieve one thing a day doesn't matter how small. Just something to make you function. As time goes on, you can add more to your day.
Get out of the house
Get out of the house each day, even if you don't feel like it: walk, go to your favourite café, engage in your favourite activity (as long as it's a healthy one!)
Keep connected
Connect with someone, in person or on the phone or facetime. This is particularly important if you live alone. It may not be the usual people/friends you connect with because things have changed for you, and when you're grieving, it's often different people you connect with.
Be prepared
Figure out your worst day or time of day and prepare things to do on those days that help you get through. Hobbies and interests are great at these times. Curl up with a book, walk the beach or bush walks, bike rides. Do positive and constructive things good for body, mind and soul.
Make time to relax
Relax. Yes, relax. Loads of rest, yoga, mindfulness, relaxation, deep breathing, healthy eating. If you can't summon the energy to cook, then arrange for these to be delivered, or when friends offer to help, ask them to drop off a meal or two.
You're going through trauma, and your body needs to come out of that traumatised 'fight or flight' state to help you gain energy again. You're the guardian of your body, mind, heart, and soul, so do your best by it.
Unfortunately, there's no avoiding grief or short-circuiting recovery from grief
But, you can find ways to navigate it. So you might feel like you're losing your mind with grief, but you're not. All those feelings are very normal. You're going to be ok. There most definitely is hope; life can get better.
You don't have to do this alone. Yes, your friends are great, but often we need more.
One of the best things you can do for yourself is seeking professional help along the way. It's always helpful to be guided in the right direction. It reassures you and helps you to re-calibrate as you process where you've got to and where you still want to get to.
Don't stay stuck and consumed with grief. That just doesn't serve you well.
I'd welcome the opportunity to share more tools that may help your journey. Let's talk.